Hi, it’s Kassandra from Dóchas! Making decisions and setting boundaries can be uncomfortable. It’s even harder to do when people in your circle disagree or have a different perspective on the choices you are making. Take a moment to think about the role others should play in the boundaries and decisions you make for yourself. Do you need others to validate your boundaries and decisions? No, of course not! And yet, you may feel like you struggle when others disapprove or disagree.
I often get asked by my clients, “Why do I feel like I need the validation of others?” To be honest, it really does feel nice to get validation from the people around us, and it’s no wonder we like this feeling. The problem arises when we start depending on others while making decisions about our lives. Deep down, many of us look for approval not because we need it to move forward, but because we fear failure and we think we need someone to believe in us to move past this fear. The truth is, we are fully capable of making decisions and setting boundaries for ourselves—but we get stuck at times.
There are three culprits that contribute to feeling stuck when setting boundaries:
Caring what others think
If you constantly look for approval from others for the choices you want to make, you will never feel confident about your own choices around important decisions or implementing boundaries. You will constantly search for someone to give you the go-ahead about things that affect your life, and if you can’t find the approval you may stay stuck.
Lack of self love
When you can take a step back and recognize that you are going to do something for yourself and not for others, you begin to develop self-love. You are finally putting yourself first. This is something many people are actively working on. When you are not quite there yet, you may feel bad about putting your needs first, which can be what leads to feeling stuck.
Say it with me: “My needs are valid no matter what, and I honour them no matter what.”
Feelings of shame or guilt
You may have been taught to not “stand up” for yourself, or been made to feel like it’s selfish to do so. So when you do set a boundary, you may feel shame or guilt.
However, if we look at the definition of guilt, it is “the state of one who has committed an offense, especially consciously.” The definition of shame is “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” Setting a boundary or making a decision for yourself is not committing an offense consciously, nor are you committing a foolish behavior. Rather, you are honouring your needs.
Okay, now we’ve identified the three culprits contributing to the struggle to feel confident in the boundaries and decisions you make for your own life.Now, you probably want to hear about what to do about it! How can you actually validate your boundaries in your own mind? Here are six tips for implementing decisions or boundaries that you believe some may disagree with:
Six tips to validate your boundaries:
1. Trust yourself
Something is leading you to make this decision or create this boundary—listen to your intuition.
2. Most things aren’t permanent
Most of the decisions or boundaries you set are not permanent and can be undone if required. Keeping this in mind lifts the paralysis you might feel when faced with a decision.
3. Stop comparing yourself with others
There is nobody who is flawless or knows “what’s best.” People learn from their own choices and decisions—this is what makes us grow. So feel that freedom to discover it for yourself!
4. Be aware of your actions
Learn to evaluate the pros and cons of the decision you are planning to make. This will improve your decision-making skills, and as you feel more confident, you will feel more solid in your decisions going forward.
5. Practice self-love
One simple way to practice self-love is to make one small promise to yourself every day, and keep it. When you can see that you can make a decision or set a boundary and follow through on it, it builds your confidence. This is also a form of self-love because you are not self-abandoning.
6. Be prepared
If someone disagrees with your choices, think of how you would like to respond ahead of time. Think about if you would even want to respond. You do not owe others an explanation but if you choose to explain, have a script of what you would like to say.
Stand confident in your own decisions and boundaries—I know you can do it, and I hope the advice I offered here makes it a little bit easier for you to validate your boundaries and feel confident in your decisions! If you feel you need a little more help and guidance in feeling confident in your own boundaries and decisions, you can get in touch with us at Dóchas Psychological Services for support.
About Dóchas Psychological
Dóchas Psychological Services is a well-established and trusted therapy clinic located in Spruce Grove, Alberta. At Dóchas we value the idea that everyone deserves a safe space. Through connection and education, our team works hard to build a trustworthy relationship with each of our clients. It is our goal to create a community for our clients to feel like they belong.
Disclaimer
Information provided through Dóchas Psychological Services blogs or vlogs is meant for educational purposes only. They are NOT medical or mental health advice. You can read more about our disclaimer here.
