You have done all the steps to prepare for an uncomfortable conversation with your partner. You have sat with your feelings, and you have prepared for making it through the conversation. But how do you actually bring up an uncomfortable topic to your partner? Is there a way to allow them to prepare?
Eventually you need to face the music and let your partner know there is something you want to discuss. While some surprises are good, getting a text message saying “we have to talk” or “can we talk?” is often enough to send anyone into a defensive stance.
With that in mind, here are some helpful strategies to try:
Start with specifics
When letting them know you need to talk, start off by briefly explaining what you want to talk to them about. Be clear and concise, and then arrange a time and place at a later date to discuss the topic with your partner. After all, you have already had time to consider your thoughts, feelings, and views about the topic for a while, but your partner might just have had the topic brought to their attention. By scheduling the conversation later, it allows your partner some time to reflect on the topic as well.
Choose your time wisely when bringing up uncomfortable topics
When you arrange this conversation, try to pick a time where you both will be relaxed and not overly stressed. For example, after a long workday may not be the best time. It’s easy to interpret your partner’s exhaustion or irritation from work-related stress as unwillingness to listen, so give your conversation the best chance at success by scheduling it when you both have the energy to navigate it.
Choose your environment wisely when bringing up uncomfortable topics
Try to pick a safe yet comfortable space to discuss the topic. A crowded restaurant may be too public to allow for you both to freely discuss the topic, and a car may make you or them feel trapped. It’s also helpful if you are both on the same level, rather than one standing and one sitting.
During the conversation
When it is time for the talk, it may be good to start the conversation by setting up a safe word that either of you can use to put a pause on the conversation. This is a way to initiate a time-out if things are getting too emotional. I know for myself, if someone tells me they need to take a break during an emotional or difficult conversation, it usually increases my anxiety, but if I am prepared in advance to take a break when the conversation gets too intense, I can interpret this as a simple time-out and not as avoiding the conversation.
Once you move into the topic at hand try to start the conversation positively and try to stay focused on the problem at hand.
During the conversation, remember to be respectful of your partner by not assuming what they are thinking and allowing them the opportunity to share.
These are some helpful strategies for bringing up uncomfortable topics with your partner—I’ve found them helpful, and I hope you find them useful as well! If you’re looking for a few more tips, Psychology Today has a useful article with a few more helpful things to try.
And if you need a little more help, get in touch with us at Dóchas Psychological Services for support. We have a team of psychologists who’d love to help guide your some of your tough conversations.
About Dóchas Psychological
Dóchas Psychological Services is a well-established and trusted therapy clinic located in Spruce Grove, Alberta. At Dóchas we value the idea that everyone deserves a safe space. Through connection and education, our team works hard to build a trustworthy relationship with each of our clients. It is our goal to create a community for our clients to feel like they belong.
Disclaimer
Information provided through Dóchas Psychological Services blogs or vlogs is meant for educational purposes only. They are NOT medical or mental health advice. You can read more about our disclaimer here.
