With Valentine’s Day this week, we’re being bombarded with gushy messages about what we should be expecting to give or receive from our partners. We’re constantly confronted with Facebook and Instagram highlight reels that showcase that couple’s romantic getaways, engagements, pregnancies… you get the picture. We suddenly find ourselves noticing that we’ve seen five jewelry commercials in the past hour or another stack of heart-shaped chocolates next to the produce aisle at the grocery store. With so much information smack dab in front of our faces, how can we stop comparing our relationship to other couples?
It’s hard not to compare our own relationships to others! Unfortunately, this can negatively affect our mood and make us feel less satisfied in our relationships. Especially when there seems to be “that couple” that looks happier, or looks more in love, or looks further along in their relationship. It’s even harder to escape all those lovey messages shared with us in the media.
Types of Comparisons:
It can be helpful to first recognize some of the different ways that we might be comparing our own relationships to other couples. Some of these ways include the use of:
Positive upward comparisons: “Wow! They’re so in love. I hope we feel that way too someday”
Positive downward comparisons: “We look like we have so much more fun than they do”
Negative upward comparisons: “It’s so obvious that they love each other more than we do”
Negative downward comparisons: “We look as miserable as they do”
If any of these types of comparisons sound familiar to you, you could be missing out on the joy and opportunity to receive and express emotional intimacy with your partner.
Thankfully, there are some strategies we can use to stop us from ourselves spiralling into the comparison trap. Here are some tips:
Tip 1: Recognize these comparisons (and the feelings associated with them).
Do you notice yourself wondering if you and your partner will ever do x, y, or z? What does that feel like? Maybe you feel anger when you look over at your cousin Debbie who got a set of keys to a new car from her brand new boyfriend, maybe you notice that you feel defeated when that random couple you follow on TikTok just got engaged, maybe you feel sad when you look at that other couple and wonder why they look like they never argue. The idea is to recognize the ways in which you may be comparing your own relationships to others, and notice the emotions that surface from these thoughts.
Tip #2: Avoid making judgements about other couples’ relationships.
While it can be really difficult, we should avoid making judgements about other couples’ relationships for a few reasons. First of all, what we see on social media is often a highlight reel, and there’s a lot we aren’t witness to behind the scenes. Second, as human beings we are imperfect, and so there will be some ways everyone’s relationships will be imperfect as well. (But it doesn’t mean that they aren’t healthy or nurturing, or that they aren’t awesome, does it?).
Tip #3: Share your feelings with your partner.
If you noticed that you compare your relationship to that of others and you just can’t seem to stop, be open with your partner—if there is something that you would like to change in your relationship or that you feel you and your partner could improve on.
Tip #4: Find gratitude in the small things.
We already know that as human beings we, and our partners, aren’t perfect. But there are many things that we may share with our partners, or that we love about them which brings us a sense of joy and connectedness! What do you notice about your partner or about your relationship that you enjoy? What are the small habits or interactions that you and your partner share that makes you feel close to them? Is it the 10 minutes of pillow talk each night where you learn about each other’s day? Is it the time spent having coffee together on Saturday mornings? Do you love that your partner saves you the last plate of leftovers because they know how much you don’t want to cook after a long day?
Whatever it is, research has shown that finding ways to be grateful for our partners or our relationships can help us feel more satisfied and closer to our partners, increase our mood, and reduce the likelihood that we might find ourselves comparing our relationships to others.
These were some tips for how to stop comparing your relationship to other couples. I hope you find ways to relax and celebrate your relationship this week. But sometimes there are issues in our relationships that need some professional help and guidance—which is why Dóchas Psychological Services exists. We have a team of professionals who specialize in helping you navigate relationships. Talk to us at 780-446-0300 or by email at info@dochas.
Some other resources to check out:
Do Other People’s Relationships Seem Better than Yours? (Psychology Today)
How to Stop Comparing Your Relationship to Others
Gratitude is for Lovers (Berkeley University)
About Dóchas Psychological
Dóchas Psychological Services is a well-established and trusted therapy clinic located in Spruce Grove, Alberta. At Dóchas we value the idea that everyone deserves a safe space. Through connection and education, our team works hard to build a trustworthy relationship with each of our clients. It is our goal to create a community for our clients to feel like they belong.
Disclaimer
Information provided through Dóchas Psychological Services blogs or vlogs is meant for educational purposes only. They are NOT medical or mental health advice. You can read more about our disclaimer here.
