It’s hard to maintain a relationship or marriage—it’s even harder when one partner works shift work! How do you maintain your relationship when one partner works shift work, and thrive as a couple? It’s Paula on the Dóchas blog today, and this is what I’m going to talk about. Here are some tips and tricks, some of which I’ve learned through my own personal experience!
Thriving in a relationship means it’s fulfilling, and fostering growth. To reach this, making the relationship work has to be a conscious effort for both, meaning that the relationship is a priority. We all have responsibilities and other things going on, which aren’t necessarily less important, but staying connected amongst the daily grind needs to be at the forefront of our minds. Working on fostering a fulfilling relationship involves daily gestures, both verbal and nonverbal. It’s a combination of the “little things” and making it work, together.
What’s Your Mindset?
A mindset shift that helps navigate this situation is realizing that a shift work schedule is out of your control. It might not be what you would choose, but it is what it is. And progressing through the time apart is temporary!
One thing that can help with getting through this time is to have goals or plans to work towards. For example, on the next set of days off, plan an event for the two of you (if you like, include the kids and fur babies too!) It helps to have meaningful activities to look forward to. This provides certainty that the void of physical distance will be alleviated.
So to maintain your relationship, plan some fun events and schedule them in! Even better if these involve movement, to stimulate growth of neural connections and lasting memories. And then enjoy the anticipation of looking forward to this time.
Prioritize
Prioritization and sacrifice are at the core of striving to maintain and thrive in a relationship. It helps to allow flexibility in your daily routines to give space to connect with your partner. Reorient the time you have together to be meaningful.
For example, maybe some tasks can wait when working around a shift schedule. If you find time to spend together, it’s okay to make the most of it instead of cleaning the house!
Another strategy is to switch up completing tasks and compromise on when things get done and by who. In my own relationship, it works for my husband to do the dishes in the morning so I can rest at night and not feel like I have to be doing all the chores solo. It actually took me time to adjust to not having a clean kitchen, but it gave me time in the evening to rest and feel supported at a distance. This should work both ways in a relationship. In my relationship, there are tasks that my hubby would like to get done on days off, such as lawn care, and if I have the capacity to complete them I will take an evening to do it. Then I leave it a surprise for him to notice! It becomes a small bid that says, I know you work hard, I see you, I did this now so we can have more time together.
Manage Expectations
Another thing to do is to reevaluate and manage expectations of your partner’s capacity to tend to household tasks. After a night shift, It’s unrealistic to expect a partner to perform cognitive tasks—they need sleep! Rather than expect your partner to perform, try discussing how your partner would be capable to contribute around the house. This means you may have to adapt to how tasks get done around the house, and when. But it helps to work to let go of the notions that things are “supposed to be done a certain way.”
Find Empathy
Foster compassion and an empathic understanding! It can get lonely when you find yourself doing life solo. The reality is your partner may feel lonely as well. Lean into each other by sharing your longing for each other with “I miss you” and “I look forward to seeing you.” These are whispers of bids for connection. While accepting that “it is what it is, and we do what we can in the situation we are in,” you can still explore how you both can feel connected through words.
For me, what works is when I feel like I have not seen my husband’s face in a long time, I will ask for a selfie, and he will respond with a funny picture. When I laugh, it feels like we’re both laughing together in that moment. You can feel happy together, even though you are apart.
Appreciate Each Other
Recognize what your partner does to make you feel valued and appreciated. It may not be your ideal situation, but you can find connection in small actions. Some small rituals that foster connection could be: hug and kiss each other as soon as one enters the house and before leaving, always say good night, make sure you have a 5-10 min daily convo (in person, over the phone, or video), give each other small gifts (flowers and treats) or take the time to bake or prepare a meal for the other upon their return.
Those are some tips to maintain communication and connection, and thrive as a couple, when one partner works shift work! If you’re finding this difficult and would like some professional help to navigate your relationship, please do reach out. You can reach us here at 780 446 0300 or drop us a line at info@dochaspsych.com.
About Dóchas Psychological
Dóchas Psychological Services is a well-established and trusted therapy clinic located in Spruce Grove, Alberta. At Dóchas we value the idea that everyone deserves a safe space. Through connection and education, our team works hard to build a trustworthy relationship with each of our clients. It is our goal to create a community for our clients to feel like they belong.
Disclaimer
Information provided through Dóchas Psychological Services blogs or vlogs is meant for educational purposes only. They are NOT medical or mental health advice. You can read more about our disclaimer here.
