It’s Kim here, and I’m taking to this blog as a form of my own therapy but to also talk about an amazing (virtual) round-table discussion from our team at Dochas.
When our team set out to discuss the idea of loneliness, our intent was to film it as a discussion and share our raw, honest thoughts with you all. Unfortunately, technology didn’t agree. We discussed our experiences with loneliness and grief, and shared how we cope when we feel lonely. As I sit here trying to find the words to accurately share the amazing discussion that took place, I find myself struggling to begin.
You see… I am lonely.
What is Loneliness?
Loneliness is feeling like no one gets you; you are disconnected from the world around you and, therefore, the people in it. Even if you were to reach out for that meaningful connection, it wouldn’t be there in the way you need. It infects everything: mind, body, and emotions.
My last fur baby, Max, is dying. While I have an amazing group of people in my life, I don’t know how to reach out right now. I don’t want to have to explain this pain. Yeah, yeah, I know – I help clients with this stuff. As I discovered in our team discussion, we all have adaptive and not so adaptive ways of coping with the emptiness and despair that loneliness brings.
Coping Mechanisms From the Dochas Team
For several of us in the group, this is the first year we’ve been away from our families over Christmas. The isolation of not being able to see family during Christmas has likely affected so many other people this year. I wrote a guest blog on how to stay connected during the holidays, and you can check that out here.
Even being with family doesn’t always prevent loneliness. Most of us in the group have turned to food to try to fill the emptiness. That being said, we are aware of it so we do it in moderation. Well, most of the time.
Occasionally, some of us try to connect with exes (which isn’t always a good thing) or people that aren’t a part of our lives now. Others of us turn to any distraction, like binge watching Netflix or working until our minds are exhausted. For me, I tend to retreat because I would rather it feel more like my choice than risk the sting of perceived rejection or disappointment.
Our discussion helped us recognize that we also use more adaptive ways of coping. Music is a huge coping mechanism for us and we had a lively discussion of favorite eras and genres of music. Singing and dancing were a close second. Some of us connect with trusted others by calling them on the phone or connecting over Zoom. Volunteering and supporting our communities are also activities high on our list of coping mechanisms when we feel lonely. All of us try to exercise or connect with nature by getting outside. And, coming full circle, a big way for me to not feel so lonely was to hang out with my dog, or any animal, really.
One Last Note
When I began to write this blog this evening, I tried to figure out a way to not be a Debbie Downer about it. You know, the whole, “Other people are struggling with bigger things than this” argument that I often argue with my clients about. But the truth is, I am lonely. The weight in my chest feels so heavy and tight that I think the bones and therefore my heart will shatter under it. It hurts to breathe. I want to curl up in a ball and shove everyone away. And I wish, more than anything, that someone would just see it and come and sit with me. No words have to be spoken. Just see me and my sadness and connect with me so I don’t feel so alone.
But, like we all discussed in the group, there is power that comes with accepting what we are feeling with no judgement. I find that by owning my feelings and not pushing them away or denying them, I am able to give myself space to cope with them. The weight lifts a bit. By accepting that it’s ok to face the loneliness it also makes it ok to take care of myself, and possibly do what I need to do to connect with our world. To understand that I am not alone in my lonely.
So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go play some of my favorite tunes and maybe dance a little. Maybe go for a walk and breathe in the crisp night air. And, in the meantime, work up the courage to trust that someone will accept me just as I am right now, ugly cry and all.
Maybe that someone is me. Maybe finding connection within myself is more valuable than finding it with someone else. Maybe, by accepting myself I will feel less lonely.
Take care,
Kim
About Dochas Psychological Services
Dochas Psychological Services is a well-established and trusted therapy clinic located in Spruce Grove, Alberta. At Dochas we value the idea that everyone deserves a safe space. Through connection and education, our team works hard to build a trustworthy relationship with each of our clients. It is our goal to create a community for our clients to feel like they belong.
Disclaimer
Information provided through Dochas Psychological Services blogs or vlogs are meant for educational purposes only. They are NOT medical or mental health advice. You can read more about our disclaimer here.
