Have you ever thought about the types of conversations you’re having with your partner on a daily basis? Pick up the kids at this time, that bill is past due, what are we having we dinner – I’m no stranger to these types of conversations filling a large area of my life. You’ve heard it before and I’ll say it again, intimacy is important in a relationship. While intimacy is a hot topic (no pun intended), oftentimes couples don’t see an opportunity for intimate conversations. I’ve been in recent exchanges with my own family members where being vulnerable and engaging in intimate dialogue was needed for the progression of our connection. It can seem like a loaded task to reintroduce intimate conversations with your partner, and you might feel lost or scared of what to expect. But small steps are key, and I’m a big believer in creating a strong foundation to get you started with this. Here are 7 steps you can take to reintroduce intimate conversations and reconnect with your partner.
7 Steps to Have Intimate Conversations With Your Partner
1. Set an Agreement
Set an agreement with your partner that you are both committed to reintroducing intimate conversations with one another. Agree that you are both willing to delve into these deep areas of your relationship, that you will both set aside the time to do the work, and that you will both try to be calm and present in these moments. Setting this agreement might take a bit of compromise. To learn more about relationship compromise, click here to read our blog.
2. Prepare
We all have ways that we like to prepare for conversations. Some like to list important points so they don’t forget, some like to practice what they want to say and how they want to say it, and others prefer to go with the flow! Think about how you want to have your conversation – in person, video chat, or over the phone. Whatever your choice, make sure you feel comfortable heading into an intimate conversation with your partner.
3. Start Small
If you haven’t done this type of work on your relationship before, it’s important that you start small. Some small steps that will have a big impact on your intimacy are things like giving daily compliments, vocalizing what you’re grateful for about your partner, or giving a kind gesture like love notes or acts of service that your partner will appreciate.
4. Create the Conversation
This might seem daunting, but there are ways to create conversation without feeling pressured to come up with something super heavy and intimate right off the bat. Use things like Love Languages quizzes or Gottman Institute Strategies. These resources are perfect jumping off points, and before you know it your conversation will gradually grow in a direction that will strengthen your connection.
5. Be Present
It’s so important that you and your partner both allow yourselves to be 100% present with each other. This creates an opportunity for you both to be vulnerable and really have those intimate conversations. Show your partner that you are present by looking them in the eyes and actually noticing their eye color or giving a gentle but affirming touch. If you have something important to communicate, express to your partner that you need 10 minutes of uninterrupted listening time. Be open about your needs and encourage your partner to do the same.
6. Share Positive Points
Of course, not all of your intimate conversations are going to be focused on love and positive things. Intimate conversations are deep, and this means sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly. But if you build positive associations with your intimate topics, you and your partner will likely feel more inclined to continue having them. I mean, who’s going to want to dive into intimate conversations if they’re all negative, right? Even if your conversation is heavy, make it a point to share at least 2 or 3 positive things. That way, you can think back to a number of positive moments you’ve both shared.
7. Express Your Feelings
It’s okay to feel awkward, or feel like your conversation isn’t going the way you had hoped. These feelings are the beginning of very deep, intimate conversations! Express your feelings respectfully to your partner in a way that makes them aware of your limits. There are different types of intimacy that you and your partner may share in these conversations, and they might not be the type you had initially imagined. Relationship Therapist Spirit uses the acronym RISES to describe 5 different types of intimacy in relationships, including recreational, intellectual, spiritual, emotional, and sexual. Click here to watch a video where Spirit talks more about the topic of intimacy.
Practice Makes Perfect!
When you continue to commit to taking these risks in your relationship in the hope that your partner hears or receives you, you are creating that strong foundation for intimate conversations. There is no right or wrong way to do this! Practice having conversations that you enjoy, and get into a comfortable rhythm with your partner.
We would be more than happy to hear some of your experiences after using some of these steps. Let us know how they worked for you in the comments or send us an email at info@dochaspsych.com. We’d love to connect with you!
About Dochas Psychological
Dochas Psychological Services is a well-established and trusted therapy clinic located in Spruce Grove, Alberta. At Dochas we value the idea that everyone deserves a safe space. Through connection and education, our team works hard to build a trustworthy relationship with each of our clients. It is our goal to create a community for our clients to feel like they belong.
Disclaimer
Information provided through Dochas Psychological Services blogs or vlogs are meant for educational purposes only. They are NOT medical or mental health advice. You can read more about our disclaimer here.
