Hey, it’s Paula here on the Dóchas blog! Have you been feeling distant from your partner lately? Are the day-to-day cycles of life distracting you from remembering to connect? According to American Psychologist, Dr. John Gottman, successful couples are mindful of bids for connection and pay attention to them. Connection takes work and conscious effort but I’m here to help you with my list of 5 ways to reconnect with your partner:
1. Plan Connection Routines
Establishing little cues to connect throughout the day can foster a deeper connection. Morning coffee and fifteen minutes of uninterrupted conversation can go a long way when you’re both busy. Simply sit on the couch, disconnect from social media or television and talk. We each live in our heads with numerous thoughts. Take time to inquire. Dr. Gottman would have you ask each other, “what’s on your mind and what’s on your heart?”
2. Make Small Gestures
Allow little gestures to foster a grand gesture of your partners’ love for you. When my husband texts me throughout the day or shares a funny meme, I take a moment to appreciate the attention he is providing and his inquiry into my day—after all, he could choose to spend his spare time scrolling! When I graze his shoulder or he puts his arm around me, it signals, “I see you, and I love you” at that moment. Discuss the little gestures that can mean more. I pack little treats in my husbands’ lunch (or send little notes in his lunch), which tells him that I appreciate his hard work and hope that he enjoys the sweet gesture.
3. Ask Questions
Asking questions of your partner poses curiosity. It’s all in the ask:
- What’s the best part of your day?
- What’s the most interesting thing you learned today?
- Any hardships you experienced?
- Has your perspective changed about anything?
Daily check-ins help foster deeper connections. It tells your partner that you’re open and willing to listen to their lived experience.
4. Listen
Gottman refers to recognizing bids for connection or attention. When your partner brings up a topic of conversation (“wow, look at the bird”), engage with what they are saying as it could signal a deeper conversation about something that interests your partner. Take time to listen, and it could spark a deeper conversation!
5. Communicate Your Feelings
Ask for what you need. If it’s quality time, physical touch, a fun activity, some movement, a home-cooked meal, a craft night, or just being with your partner and making it an experience, ask for it. Communication can be scary, but your partner cannot read your mind. Take this opportunity to connect with your partner and ask for what you need.
Connection cues look different in every relationship. If you notice something in another couple that you would like to initiate in your relationship, start having a conversation about it. This starts with asking for what you would like, such as, “Hey B, when we’re out with friends, it would make me feel special if you put your arm around me”, as opposed to saying, “How come you never put your arm around me?” which could sound like an attack. If you seek something, get comfortable asking for it.
There you have it, 5 ways you can reconnect with your partner. If you require assistance in learning how to communicate, there is no shame in seeking support. I encourage you to reach out and ask us how we can help. You can reach out to us here by calling us at 780 446 0300 or emailing info@dochaspsychologicalservices.com.
About Dóchas Psychological
Dóchas Psychological Services is a well-established and trusted therapy clinic located in Spruce Grove, Alberta. At Dóchas we value the idea that everyone deserves a safe space. Through connection and education, our team works hard to build a trustworthy relationship with each of our clients. It is our goal to create a community for our clients to feel like they belong.
Disclaimer
Information provided through Dóchas Psychological Services blogs or vlogs is meant for educational purposes only. They are NOT medical or mental health advice. You can read more about our disclaimer here
