Amelia here on the Dochas blog this week! I’m here to talk about the reality of getting engaged, a topic that makes some people squeal with excitement and others shut down completely. Our society puts a LOT of pressure on the relatively short time frame of a proposal, and expectations of the moment being ‘perfect’ can cause anxiety and disappointment if either party doesn’t feel that the moment lives up to movie and magazine standards.

My Rollercoaster of Emotions

When my partner proposed, I had TONS of feelings that ranged from ecstatic excitement to almost grief. I had a hard time talking about it because my well-meaning support systems all brought up the excitement for me and our big day, and I felt like something must be wrong with me if I was feeling anything other than over the moon. I knew I absolutely wanted to spend the rest of my life with my partner, so why was I feeling this way?

Something that confused me about my less positive feelings was that I hadn’t felt them before my partner proposed. Months before the proposal, I was feeling excitement and, let’s be honest, impatience for the big moment to happen.

Embracing Complex Feelings

I, of course, turned to Doctor Google about what I was feeling and found many helpful resources – articles, books, and shared experiences that made me feel less alone in my whirlwind of emotions. The most helpful book I found was The Conscious Bride by Sheryl Paul and Sheryl Nissinen.

The most relevant point I learned from the resources was that all transitions have both a grieved ending and a celebrated beginning. Western society has a hard time with ‘negative’ emotions and holding space for the birth and death sides of big life transitions. This made me realize why everyone asked me how excited I was, but didn’t ask if I was feeling sad, overwhelmed, or like I had a rug pulled out from under me.

Honouring Life’s Milestones

I made a point of holding space for both emotions – the excitement around my new title and self-image as a ‘fiancé’, while also the sadness of losing the self-identity of a person who was too young to be married and make such a big life commitment. Growing up is a lot!

I realized that all of life’s important moments – graduation, getting engaged, getting married, having children, death and loss – entail not only new beginnings but also farewells, and both are deserving of acknowledgment. 

Expectations are the Thief of Joy

Another insight I appreciated was that expectations can ruin even the most special moments. My fiancé and our friends have shared that they were all nervous before their proposals and that none of their proposals happened exactly as either party had imagined them. That did not make them any less beautiful, but if you have wildly high expectations, you run the risk of being disappointed by something you made up versus the reality.

What I Wish I Had Known Before Getting Engaged

1. All big life milestones contain an aspect of birth and death – feeling both the loss and the excitement is healthy and does not mean that something is wrong with you.
2. Be kind to yourself and your partner. Regardless of who is asking and who is answering, it is a nerve-wracking moment for all parties!
3. There is no ‘perfect’ moment – expectations and having envisioned everything down to the last detail is the death of joy! The moment will rarely be exactly what was imagined, and having fewer expectations opens up more room to appreciate what does unfold.

If you’re feeling conflicting emotions around a big life event, we invite you to reach out at 780-446-0300 or at info@dochaspsych.com.