Can you relate to this? You notice another person in need, you come in at the right time and provide them with the thing that they are seeking, and they provide you with the “uh thank you!” You in turn notice a flood of positive feelings and relief within your system. It’s Pooja on the Dóchas blog, and today I am talking about the need to feel needed.
It can be such a validating experience! And let me emphasize—it can be a good thing- to provide help to another. This is part of what makes human beings great; our ability to connect with others and help alleviate some type of distress that we see. For some of us, we might identify this as a need that helps us feel like we are contributing to something outside of ourselves, it might be aligned with a sense of purpose or community, or connect more within our relationships with others.
The Challenge of the Need to be Needed
The challenge lies when it becomes a source of our self-worth. If we feel as if we do not feel needed, it could elicit potential core beliefs that we might have about ourselves, such as I am not important, I am helpless, I am not good enough, I am not capable and so on. Often times responding in this way can be a way to alleviate the discomfort that comes from a negative core belief that we might have about ourselves.
I continue being curious with my clients and invite them to consider, if you did not do this, what do you think that would say about you as a person?
Another challenge could be that it continues as a pattern and actually exhausts us. Now I am not talking about a type of tired that comes from helping others, I am talking about a depletion, a burnout, like it is coming at the expense of something within us which impacts our functioning. We might feel stuck because we might not know what else to do— it might be an expectation and we don’t want to disappoint others.
When working with clients, I might explore restorative supports that might involve recharging their bodies in some way, and thinking about boundary setting. (
How to Overcome the Need to Feel Needed:
- Acknowledge that it is a thing, and that this might require some investigating in self-reflection or with a trained professional. Chances are it has some rooting. Sometimes it is tacked onto another need; ie a safety need or a condition that was inadvertently set along one’s life. To figure this out, it can help to fill in the blank in this sentence: If I don’t feel needed, then (insert the potential consequences).
- Try to recognize moments when you notice your need to feel needed. This might be an impulse to jump in to help someone with something, or even seeking it out. You might notice it feeling like a physiological sensation or a thought.
- Seeing if you can slow down or pause when you notice the thought or urge to help and consider choosing how to respond. Maybe the offer of help is an okay thing, or maybe a different option is ok ie. This might be listening instead of active help, or offering less help.
- Reflect on how it went. Sometimes we catch those moments and sometimes we miss them. That is ok! Either way, notice what it feels like afterwards. Now it actually might feel good. It also might be difficult to identify a firm feeling or it may arrive after some time has passed. There might be numbness, discomfort or feelings of guilt.
- Consider taking some time to support yourself through this. This might look like bringing it up to a close friend, talking with a therapist or finding ways set boundaries & soothe your body.
I hope this helps you recognize a need to feel needed, and gives you a path forward for navigating this. If you’d like a little more help working through this, reach out to us here at Dóchas Psychological Services. You can reach us here at 780 446 0300 or drop us a line at info@dochaspsych.com.
About Dóchas Psychological
Dóchas Psychological Services is a well-established and trusted therapy clinic located in Spruce Grove, Alberta. At Dóchas we value the idea that everyone deserves a safe space. Through connection and education, our team works hard to build a trustworthy relationship with each of our clients. It is our goal to create a community for our clients to feel like they belong.
Disclaimer
Information provided through Dóchas Psychological Services blogs or vlogs is meant for educational purposes only. They are NOT medical or mental health advice. You can read more about our disclaimer here.
