Hello! It’s Kiersten here on the Dóchas blog, and today let’s talk about dating apps. As exciting as it is to head to an app and swipe right or left on potential partners, there are some things to watch out for to ensure that you are engaging in a healthy amount of swiping, not to mention some warning signs that you should be aware of.
The world of dating has evolved immensely in the past twenty years. Apps have made it easy to connect with people beyond their local town or city. And to hear that your friend or family member met their significant other through Tinder or Bumble is quite normal—so normal, in fact, it’s becoming less common for people to meet the ‘old-fashioned’ way.
If you have not already, I highly suggest you check out Kim’s blog about texting anxiety. Here you will find excellent strategies to help combat the issues surrounding that ‘ding!’ we hear on a seemingly constant basis.
How to make sure you’re using these apps in a healthy way? Well, here are a few patterns to watch out for:
Time
Are you spending every spare moment you have on the app, even when you are out with friends? This is a solid sign that tells you (and your friends) that you haven’t set appropriate boundaries with your virtual dating world.
We understand it’s exciting and very thrilling, but setting healthy boundaries will ensure you do not become consumed and still enjoy the reality you currently live in.
Ruminating
Do you find yourself in a negative thought loop that you have a hard time getting out of? These can be self-deprecating thoughts (like, I am not attractive enough, no one likes me, or why won’t anyone respond to me?) that plant seeds of self-doubt and begin to wreak havoc on our self-esteem.
It is important to remember that your self-esteem should not rely on a dating app. If this starts happening to you, it may be time to take a step back and identify the many things that make you special.
Reliance
If you are finding that your self-esteem and self-worth are beginning to rely on whether you are matching with someone, or whether people are responding back to you, you may need to take a break from the app altogether.
Remember, social media has a direct link to our reward system, and over time it becomes addictive. This makes it all too easy for it to become something that we rely on for validation and security, but it simply can’t give us that kind of validation and security.
How do I step back?
If you notice some of these patterns when you’re using dating apps, how do you navigate this? Here are some strategies that may help:
Reflect
Reflect deeply as to why you are on the app. Loneliness has a funny way of manipulating our judgement when it comes to what we need. It can put us all in tricky situations where we may be unwittingly ignoring the parts of ourselves that need the most attention and love.
Reflecting can be different for everyone. It may look like taking a solo trip somewhere you know will bring you peace, it may simply be going for a long walk or journaling. Only you know what method will bring you the best reflection process, but prioritizing this is exceptionally important to recognize the ‘why’ behind your search.
Recognize your worth
Once you have reflected, you may not like what you have found. Facing a fear of loneliness is no small thing, but the only way to solve our problematic thoughts or feelings about ourselves is to go through it, not around it. We know it will be uncomfortable, but it is truly the only way to resolve what we are struggling with.
Edith Eger in her book The Gift explains that all other relationships end, but the only one you will have for a lifetime is the one you have with yourself. So you must prioritize it—you must love yourself so deeply that all other relationships are a bonus.
Water the Garden
Not sure how to prioritize yourself? Look into self-care activities that promote self-love. This could look like moving your body in a positive way whether that be hitting the gym or going for daily walks, journaling, therapy, yoga and/or meditation, art classes, practicing gratitude, doing something nice for only yourself, or setting boundaries. The possibilities are endless when it comes to prioritizing yourself.
This will naturally reconnect you to yourself, and “water your garden” so when you do match with that perfect individual, you will have a garden so full and beautiful, that you will be proud and able to share it with them.
Patience is a Virtue
Understand that this process will take time—and that’s ok! The relationship you have with yourself is one that you will navigate for the rest of your life. Don’t be afraid of prioritizing yourself over others until you are in a place where you feel confident in your own ability to make yourself happy.
I hope this blog helps you better navigate the world of dating apps. As I mentioned earlier, facing a fear of loneliness is not a small feat, and if you find that this fear is affecting many other aspects of your life, it can be helpful to reach out to someone to guide you through this experience. If you’d like to talk to someone here at Dóchas, please reach out to us. You can email us at info@dochaspsych.com, or call our main office at (780) 446 0300.
About Dóchas Psychological
Dóchas Psychological Services is a well-established and trusted therapy clinic located in Spruce Grove, Alberta. At Dóchas we value the idea that everyone deserves a safe space. Through connection and education, our team works hard to build a trustworthy relationship with each of our clients. It is our goal to create a community for our clients to feel like they belong.
Disclaimer
Information provided through Dóchas Psychological Services blogs or vlogs is meant for educational purposes only. They are NOT medical or mental health advice. You can read more about our disclaimer here.
