Hello, it’s Paula here on the Dóchas blog, and I’d like to talk about how to set intention in your relationships. You likely have people in your life you feel you are “stuck with,” and setting intention for these relationships can be a helpful way to navigate your interactions with these people—whether it’s work relationships, family, acquaintances or other connections. For me, setting an intention is about answering the question, “how am I going to show up?”
Here are some strategies that can help:
Clarify the Why
Work within your boundaries to clarify the “why” for these relationships. When you feel stuck with seeing and being around certain people, being clear with yourself on why you are showing up in their presence can help you make it through awkward or unpleasant engagements with them. By being clear with yourself about the importance of attending functions or engaging with certain people when you do not necessarily want to, you have something to hold onto when you face these interactions.
For example, it may be important for your partner (who you really value and care about) for you to be present with them at an event. Or it may be important for you to show up to get to know your colleagues at a work function. It may be important to attend a family function, even after you’ve recently had a disagreement with a sibling—in this case, you can set the intention to leave conflict at the door and to show up to enjoy a nice meal and refreshing lemonade. By doing this you might be able to let go and play some games, share some laughs and perhaps, create some new memories. These are experiences you may have missed if you put up a fight and showed up with a negative perspective.
Having a clear intention on how and why you are showing up in the presence of those others can also help alleviate those ruminative negative “what if” and dreadful thoughts.
Better yet, do not set any expectations about the interaction. Make a pact to show up and go with the flow.
Practice Mindfulness
Another way to set intention is to learn to be mindful of yourself. If you feel escalated or feel your emotions heighten, you can use de-escalation strategies. Plan some of these strategies in advance so you know what to do if you begin to feel this way—some strategies might be:
- leave the room that you’re in
- take two minutes of deep breathing (for example, in the bathroom)
- text or call someone
- have a distraction (perhaps, have something to look for such as lotion, a safety pin, mint, candle to smell, etc). This will change the focus of your attention from whatever is causing a reaction
Remember, if you’re feeling stuck in a room or a certain dynamic like the middle of a conversation that isn’t very interesting to you, no one is forcing you to stay there. You can leave the room and ask yourself “what do I need right now?” It can be as simple as going outside to take in some fresh air, or finding the pooch or cat to pet for a few minutes.
Make a Plan
As part of setting the intention, you can have a plan. Make a plan that you feel comfortable with, for example: when to arrive; what cues in yourself will notify you that you need some space; what signs you might give to your partner (such as a look, wink, or cue word) that you need space, and when you will revaluate when and how you will leave the engagement. If you have a plan ahead of time you’ll feel more confident going into the engagement because you know what actions you plan to take when.
These are some of the ways that I have become intentional about showing up to engagements that I need to be at. I have found that over time, these ways of responding to uncomfortable scenarios become easier. Upon reflection, I have found that usually the situations I am not looking forward to end up being not nearly as bad as I would have imagined. Surprisingly, I realize afterwards that I may have had quite a good time.
If you’re looking for help with a difficult relationship, we would love to help you out. If you have any questions at all about setting intentions, just reach out to us at info@dochaspsych.com or by calling 780 446 0300.
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About Dóchas Psychological
Dóchas Psychological Services is a well-established and trusted therapy clinic located in Spruce Grove, Alberta. At Dóchas we value the idea that everyone deserves a safe space. Through connection and education, our team works hard to build a trustworthy relationship with each of our clients. It is our goal to create a community for our clients to feel like they belong.
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Information provided through Dóchas Psychological Services blogs or vlogs is meant for educational purposes only. They are NOT medical or mental health advice. You can read more about our disclaimer here.
